As promised, I'm going to be blogging more often now! It seems like a lot of you are VERY interested in my personal life, so I guess I'll blog a bit more about it.
The last blog post got a lot more attention than I thought it would, and I want to thank everyone that reached out to me after reading it! It really meant a lot to receive such kind words from people that I didn't even know paid so much attention to my life and my work. It was truly humbling and I appreciate every message that was sent!
Today I want to talk about what it's like to date here in Los Angeles. You know, being a photographer in Los Angeles, you'd think dating would be so easy because you get to meet so many beautiful and talented people. In fact, every time I tell someone that I'm a photographer, they always ask if models let me sleep with them after a shoot. It's bizarre to me how many people associate photography with sex, and I don't understand where that idea comes from. Even when I shoot nude photography, it's more about connection and making the model comfortable in front of the camera than it is about me trying to get in her pants.
That being said, I have met some incredibly talented women through photography, and of course the idea of dating them have crossed my mind, but to be completely honest, I don't think I'm quite ready to date anyone. Over the past few years, and my last two relationships, I've come to realize a LOT of my flaws, and I really need to work on myself before I can even entertain the idea of being in a relationship with someone.
Let's take a step back for a minute. My last two relationships were easily the most important relationships in my life. I learned so much about myself, and even more about how real relationships work. Back when I lived in The Bahamas, I was dating someone for 3 years, and that's when I experienced what a true relationship was like. The time and dedication we put into the relationship was something I wasn't used to, and it honestly made me so much stronger as a person. There were a lot of ups, but even more downs, and it felt like the last year and a half was just a constant battle to keep us afloat. It felt like every day there was something new to argue about, and it really started to exhaust me mentally.
The worst part about that situation was that we were perfect for each other in bed, and to me, sexual compatibility is 50% of the relationship. Our sex life is what kept us fighting because we knew how hard it would be to find something better, but in the end, I just couldn't take it anymore. The relationship was toxic, and to top it all off, when it finally ended, she started dating one of my close friends. I fell into a deep depression, and this is what made me finally make the jump to move to Los Angeles.
After slightly recovering from that relationship, I ended up meeting the woman of my dreams on Instagram (yes, you read that correctly). We both had mutual friends from The Bahamas, but just never met in person. I sent her a DM, which led to me getting her number, which led to constant Facetime sessions, which led to me falling head over heels for her. We had never met in person, but I absolutely fell in love with her personality. She was everything I wanted in a woman, and more.
To make things more interesting, she went to school in Scotland, so it took a lot of effort to keep in touch with the 8-hour time difference, but we both made it work because we wanted it to. Actually, our first date was me booking and planning a trip to Scotland, then to Rome, then back to Scotland (yes, I know), and this is when things started to go downhill.
We had been planning what our first time in bed would be like, and we were REALLY looking forward to it. Our first night in bed is where the problem started. I was too big to get it in, which made it extremely painful for her, and made it impossible for us to have sex. We kept trying over the course of the 10-day trip, but with no success. Like I said before, sex is 50% of the relationship for me, and knowing that we couldn't really put up a mental block in my mind. After the trip, it was hard for us to even flirt with each other because we knew the truth is that it just probably wouldn't work in bed. We tried to make it work for a few months, but between the distance and me knowing we couldn't have sex, it only made sense for us to end.
In one relationship, I had a woman that I was completely sexually compatible with, but who had a horrible personality, and in the other, I had a woman with the perfect personality, but I couldn't have sex with her. As you can image, fighting for both of these relationships taught me a lot about myself and my needs, which makes it extremely hard for me to find someone that would be perfect for me (or even close to perfect).
So now that you understand that, let's jump to the present. When I'm looking for someone to date, I'm looking for someone with an amazing personality, and one that is amazing in bed, but on a deeper level than the average person. I know what it's like to be in a relationship with someone that has a personality that doesn't compliment mine, and I know what it's like to be with someone that can't fulfill my sexual desires, and I'm at a point where I just simply don't want to waste time anymore.
Unfortunately, for me, this makes it extremely hard for me to date anyone given my current circumstances. First of all, Los Angeles is HUGE, and if you don't have a car (which I don't), that means you're going to need to spend some money on Ubers just to go out with them. On top of that, you'll also need money to go to dinner or for drinks or whatever, and that all really adds up. Also, I live in the valley, which means I'm further away than the average person, so I REALLY have to make an effort to see someone.
On top of this, my parents have been staying in my apartment for almost a year now, which makes it hard to bring people back to my place. When we moved to Los Angeles, my parents had planned on buying an RV and road tripping throughout the states, however, after a few months, they decided this wasn't the lifestyle they wanted anymore, sold their RV, and moved in with me and my sister. I don't know about you guys, but I hate mentioning that my parents are staying with me because I feel like it sounds like I'm still living with my parents, and I hate it. I don't want to be on a date with someone and then tell them my parents are back at my apartment. That's just awkward. What's even more awkward is that they sleep on the couch, not in a room, so if I bring anyone home, there my parents are sleeping on the couch or watching Netflix or something. It's just not the ideal situation at all.
That's just the basics, so let's get a little deeper into what makes dating hard for me. We live in an era where everyone has access to everyone. With Instagram and online dating apps, there's an endless amount of options someone has. If I don't keep them interested in what I have to say, they're just one swipe or DM away from another option, and this makes it hard to keep someone's interest. This also applies to me in the fact that if I meet someone that I might be interested in, I stop myself from really opening up because I know that there are more options out there, and I don't want to put all of my eggs in one basket.
It's so crazy how social media comes into effect when you think about dating someone. For example, I've been going out with a photographer that I truly like and relate to. I've gone on two dates with her, and we occasionally talk over Instagram. I constantly see her Instagram stories of her doing photoshoots and going to photography meets etc, and a part of me always wants to start a conversation by saying someone about how her photos look or how the meet looks like so much fun, but at the same time, I don't want to come off as needy or begging for attention, so I find myself stopping myself from actually sending these messages. Social media allows me to keep up with her life on a daily basis, but it also makes me overthink because of how often I can message her.
To make things worse, she tends to not answer me when I ask her about meeting up again, and because of social media, I can see that she's on her phone and being active on Instagram, but just choosing to ignore my messages. This gives off the vibe that she's just not interested in me, even though she might genuinely be busy and isn't able to get to my message right away, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm thinking I'm not good enough for her attention. It's an extremely hard situation to deal with mentally, but that's just the way it works these days.
Taking all of these things into consideration, I'm not sure what it'll take for me to actually be able to date someone again, but to be honest, I'm not getting any younger, and this is something I need to figure out soon (or at least that's how I feel).
I'll keep you guys posted on how my dating life is going, so if you're interested, be sure to subscribe below!
Until next time,